who am i
my name remigijus. today i am a 24 (edit: 25 now) years old male from vilnius, lithuania. i am an employee of an insurance company and spend approximately 24% of my week at the office. i am also a student who plans to achieve a master’s degree in the beginning of 2019. all in all just a usual human being of my age.
i enjoy investigating stuff, asking questions and understanding patterns. i am obsessed with tracking all kinds of data related to both the environment and myself. at the first sight this looks completely unnecessary and worthless but after some consistent monitoring it starts revealing true patterns, giving answers to my questions and pointing out valuable insights.
an example: i have developed a tool for tracking my expenses. i also have a time series of my body weight. its length will reach one year soon. and its frequency is daily. this might be considered as an exposure of some bullshit unnecessary obsessive behaviour. however this gives me a lot of information about myself. and also things that are measured are much easier to manage.
one of my favourite topics for investigation is the behaviour of a human being as well as its reasoning. so i am going to use this blog as a tool for measuring that of mine, sharing the experience and findings.
my main idea
i have an idea which i am driven about. it is surprisingly simple yet many years i have not been aware of it. and it is the following:
a human being is capable of making decisions.
at first sight these few words sound extremely banal to me. however when i start thinking deeper i see that there is much more than the cover suggests. i will try to explain this by an example.
an example: i imagine a hungry dog that have not been fed for a few days. and then i imagine someone throwing a piece of raw meat to it. and if the dog can walk it will definitely run towards the piece and eat it as soon as possible. and then i imagine the same situation but i put a human being instead of the poor dog and a nice delicious meal instead of a piece of raw meet. and now i cannot bet so sure anymore that the person will run towards the meal and start eating. the human being can decide to say
i am not eating and i will starve one more day
and act accordingly. it might be uncomfortable for the person to do so, but the possibility still exists. and i can hardly imagine a dog or any other animal behaving in a similar way. well, maybe it is because of my limited knowledge.
this example illustrates what i have in mind by stating that a human being is capable of making decisions.
application to myself
after understanding this simple fact i decided to pay more attention to decisions that i make in my everyday life. and i am surprised by the amount and variety of these. but one very clear thing that i have noticed is that i usually decide to perform actions that are in favour of the wellbeing and comfort of my mind. however that comfort is usually of a short term and not necessarily goes hand in hand with my overall wellbeing.
i started to recognise patterns of my mind asking for comfort: a cup of coffee, a candy, a waffle, a hit of the snooze button, a shower with comfortably warm water, another hour of sitting and watching bullshit web stuff. i could go forever because this list is endless. so what have i done? i decided to start ignoring some of them. at the beginning it is like hell. after some time it is not that bad. and after even more time it starts to feel amazing.
therefore one of my aims is to share this kind of experience in my blog. the application to myself is related to daily discipline and routine setup, fitness goals and general seek of becoming a human being that is not a slave of making his mind comfortable.
with all that being said i started to understand how important decisions really are. the smallest everyday decisions that might be done unconsciously. after some time they start defining who i am, what my wellbeing is, what my surrounding people are and so on. i think that if a person is in some state, a decision to arrive to or stay in that state has been made by that person and by nothing else. therefore i like to say that
sums of infinitesimal decisions converge to the current state.
not the environment, not the genetics, not the other people. it might have been done unconsciously or because it was easier and more comfortable to do so. a drunk person is drunk because he decided to go and get that another beer. an unfaithful husband is having sexual intercourse with some another woman while his wife and kids are sleeping at home because he decided to do so. a father is beating up his daughter because he decided to do so. a priest fucked a young boy because he decided to do so. a person is overweight because such decision has been done. a relationship between two partners is of a low quality because one of them or both at the same time made decisions to make it like that. i could go further but i think that i have clearly made my point. and by saying a decision was made i do not necessarily have in mind a single one. most likely there have been a series of decisions that yield the outcome.
so i decided to be more aware of decisions i make. and i know that the more uncomfortable they are at the point in time, the better positive long term effect on my wellbeing they make.